Getting out of the water

I was shocked yesterday that my period has started all over again. Like what you are having on the first day. Fresh blood and period pain. I never have period pain all my life (that is worth to be mentioned). Wednesday last week I had my MC for the first time ever for having the same pain. I followed what the doc adviced me, not eat this that. But he also asked how was my emotion - not so well I guess, and it has not been imporoved...

But yesterday I had an argument with Saleh. The normal things a couple do anyway. I got my gastric attack during the argument so I decided to go back home. On the way home I started to feel pain in my abdomen, like a period pain does. I checked at home to found out that I started bleeding again with  fresh blood, bright red. I am so scared and I have realized, this whole stress and tension has taken a toll on me.

It just got me wondering, why do I let myself engulfed with this situation. I can control my decisions and I can also control my situations. Why do I let other people to decides for me. Saleh can't attend me that much because of his working demands. I understand, but why does he needs to control where I go, whom I go with and when do I get back. If I want to go aerobic, I'll go and if I want to eat roti canai sardine afterwards is none of your business. I do not want to stay cooped up in my room being an anti-social and having to wait for him endlessly for a bit of his time which comes once in a full moon (it's not that we never get to go out together...but it has never been a proper date)

I am okay with going for the movies alone, eating and shopping alone now. The whole things are drastic. But Zaza is correct, I just need to adapt and survive in a situations like this. "You don't choose to drown yourself, but you are already in the water. You need to get out. If you let it be until you have to pay with your health, this is a waste"

This is a declaration of independence. I will decide what I want to do and I'll do it once i've considered it's relevant for myself

Relationship is...

Relationship? To me it is now something totally new to me. Something snapped I guess. I was enlightened to a new perspective. Thanks to reality and exposure of the truth which people always try hard to hide. Abuse, infidelity, naiveity, blind adoration, bad matching...countless more. Things that we don't talk much although it need to be talked out and things that normal people put a blind eye and stuff an ear.

So now I see relationship is like the burning of logs in the chimney. It gives you intense heat at the beginning, but it will start to burn off and fade away. You just need to put more logs in to be able to stay intense. Simply said, you need to crack the bark and cut the logs then to burn it. It is not a walk in a park for sure. This is more of the examplars from marriages around me, some are really sweet, others are cruel. I am to wait for my destiny to unveiled.

I don't need to spell it out to you, but I am scared of the upcoming reality that I have to face.