I have been delaying my time and energy to actually put this piece of thought in my blog...actually I have this feeling of disheartened of continuing my writing. All that is happening in life is happening too fast that sometimes it grips you in the heart and it it grasp you tight. It is hurting alot especially when it concern of others...those that you love most
I cant give myself the right definition of a family yet...I want it as a yet, because I still believe that one day I could give 'family' a very good definition. Comprehensible to my kids and others that are oround me. Lets just cut it short as I dont want to have to shed the tears again and have that fear all over me. It took 2 weeks to get me calmed down.
I need to see Abah by the end of this month. To discuss of our engagement in upcoming raya. it scares me to hell. saleh is very ready and prepared physically and emotionally. i am not. What ever haunts me I could not explain and I could not find it myself. I cant comprehend the situation that I am in. It scares me up to a point of getting into my dreams. Sometimes I feel that it is rubbish.
When I had a talk with my youngest sis. I have discovered her true feelings over this family. It is painful. Adek, if you read this...it is my way of expressing my thoughts and it is not about publishing something that is should to be ashamed of. It is a lesson to be learned by all over the world that family is important and dont risk it over a power name money! So that now I learned of her feelings that I know...she faced different kind of depression compared to mine. It still gave my heart a big thud on the floor. This happens again and again
I can call that this whole family business has paid a toll on all of us. It causes someone one to unfinished her degree. It may be called as a mistake, but it affects our future. I hate it to a point of bringing myself to a foreign country and stay there. No one to ask of my origin.
I need to get rid of this hatred...All of us need to do it. I hope time could really heal.
